What Is True Friendship?

By Michael Clark and Susanne Schuberth


Picture taken by Susanne Schuberth

What is true friendship? With most people I have met, “friendship” is very conditional. If I do or say something that offends them or don’t meet their “needs,” they turn off and distance themselves immediately. It is a form of conditional love. “I will be your friend as long as you live up to my expectations.” Sad to say, this is the kind of “friendship” that most Christians endure in that system known as the “Institutional Church.” But was this the kind of friendship that Jesus had with the eleven disciples who loved Him for who He is?

We know that Judas loved mammon. He was the one who held the money bag in the group and finally betrayed Christ at the end for thirty pieces of silver. We also know that the seventy other disciples that Jesus sent out with power to preach the gospel turned away from Him as well (see John 6:66-71). But to those faithful eleven He said:

Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.  No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. These things I command you, so that you will love one another. (John 15:13-17, ESV2011 – emphasis added)

Jesus told us that we were His friends if we did what He commanded. Love is, of course, the greatest commandment. But we need to love God before we can share His love with our neighbors. We may love our enemies with this God-given love (see Romans 5:5), but we won’t be that ‘loving’ when we take part in their lawless living. From hence, we might see why this world is at enmity with us. As soon as we share the gospel by doing what God commands us to do, NOW, they will reject us. However, the good news is that He gives us His peace for having been obedient to Him and then we can pray for those who do not know our Lord yet.

We know that Jesus’ disciples were often fearful even when He was with them, yet He was always patient with them. He was their friend to the very end, even unto dying for them and their sins alone on the cross. What kind of love lays down one’s own life for a friend? It is one thing for a soldier to dive on a live grenade to save the life of his fellow soldiers. But there is another more practical and sacrificial way of laying down one’s life. That is laying down your own will daily for the good of another because you love them more than you love yourself.  THIS is true friendship! Following the leading of Christ’s Spirit in our daily lives is laying down our life for our Friend just as He laid down His live for us. This is what Jesus meant when He said, “But he who loses his life for my sake will find it.” There is a wonderful dynamic that kicks in when we have this kind of friendship with another who reciprocates in kind.

Austin-Sparks wrote:

It is indeed a very wonderful and beautiful thing that the Son of God called such as the disciples were, and such as we are, His friends. I do not think there is a greater or more beautiful word in all our language than that word ‘friend’. It is the most intimate title in all human relationships. Every other relationship that we can think of may exist without this. Perhaps we think that the marriage relationship is the most intimate, but it is possible for that relationship to exist without friendship. Happy indeed is the man whose wife is his friend, and happy is the wife whose husband is her friend. It is a very close relationship between children and parents and parents and children, but it is a great thing when the father can call his son his friend, and when he can say, not ‘my son’, but ‘my friend’. And, again, it is a great thing when a child can say, not only ‘my father’, but ‘my friend’: ‘my father is my friend’ – ‘my mother is my friend’. It is something extra in relationship. We may admire a person and have a lot of association with them: we may think that we know them and could say: ‘Well, I know so-and-so very well’, but, even so, there may not be friendship. Friendship is always just that bit extra.

When Jesus said: “Ye are my friends”. He was going beyond ‘Ye are My disciples’ and ‘Ye are My followers’. He could have called them by many other names, but when He said: “Ye are my friends” He went beyond anything else. And I think that the Lord Jesus found the most complete satisfaction of His heart in this word. To say “Ye are my friends” was as far as anybody could possibly go. Really, there is nothing beyond it. You reach the end of all relationships when you really come to friendship. How rich and how precious, then, is this title! (1)


A true friend is one that you can share everything in your life with. Not only can you tell them about your joys and successes, but you can share with them what makes you sad, even your worst failures. When you need someone to stand with you in prayer, knowing that it will not be used to separate themselves from you for your failings nor will they use these precious things as a tidbit of gossip as soon as you part. A true friend hopes all things for the other and hardly notice when his friend does him wrong. As Solomon wrote, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Prov 18:24, ESV2011)

You see, there are “friends” and then there are FRIENDS, just as there are “believers” then there are BELIEVERS! In John chapter two we read,

Now when he was in Jerusalem at the passover, in the feast day, many believed in his name, when they saw the miracles which he did. But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men, And needed not that any should testify of man: for he knew what was in man. (John 2:23-25, KJ2000)

Jesus could not commit Himself to this kind of follower. He dared not open His heart up to them. They “believed in His name” because He did miracles for them. But they were “loaves and fishes” Christians and would soon turn against Him when their temporal needs were no longer being met (see John ch. 6). They were not His friends.

Friends do not use friends. That is a feigned relationship at best. But how many times do we hear Christians say, “I just want to be used by Jesus!” This is an institutional mindset at best. The devil uses people to fulfill his agenda of destruction. But Christ walks with us as our friend and as we rest in Him, His will is carried out in our lives by the love and friendship we share. The kingdom of God is a family of close friends, not an institution!

In our Christian walks we will have many occasions where we will prove ourselves as to whether we are HIS friend or not. It is one thing to be a “follower of Christ,” but it is a far greater thing to be His friend. For in this kind of relationship is where He starts revealing to us all things (see and He can say to us, “I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” Do you want spiritual revelation from Christ? This is where it starts, walking with Him day by day and moment by moment as His friend.

Consider how Christ handled this kind of situation with one of His own disciples:

From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (Matt 16:21-23, ESV2011)

When we insist on knowing Christ or each other after the flesh, seeking our own desires to be fulfilled instead of knowing one another after the Spirit, we will find ourselves acting contrary to His will. Paul wrote,

From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. (2Cor 5:16-17, ESV2011)

Toward the end of my 14 years in the wilderness (where He had been stripping me of all that I once thought of myself as a “Christian”) I, Michael, was invited to go to a worship conference, so I went. There were many speakers and workshop teachers at this conference but Father spoke to me through the words in a song that we were singing. It went,

 “I will change your name. You shall no longer be called Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.”

I thought, “Yes, that is me; a wounded, outcast, lonely and afraid in this world.” Then the Lord started to speak to me in the verses that followed…

“I will change your name. Your new name shall be confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one, faithfulness, friend of God…”

At that moment I thought, “Oh God, who am I that you would call me your friend?!” He replied to me in the last phrase of this song, because you are

“one who seeks My face.” (2)

This was a life changing moment for me, because He told me how much He loves me and counted me as His friend. When we really love someone, we will not ever be totally happy until we can share our love with them face to face. God is no different. As His friends we will always seek His face. David prayed,

Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, LORD, do I seek.” (Ps 27:7-8, ESV2011)

Dear saints, We pray that we may all come to know this kind of friendship with Jesus and His Father and find others who walk in this same intimate knowledge of Him so that we might truly have Friends in Christ’s love. True followers of Jesus Christ are true friends and we thank the Father for the ones we have known.

(1) https://www.austin-sparks.net/english/000419.html

(2) “I Will Change Your Name,” by D.J. Butler

22 comments on “What Is True Friendship?

  1. elizabeth kobe says:

    Thanks for this. I am writing a piece myself on this.  But am calling it a different title. I just talked about this yesterday to someone.  Have you ever heard of the Interior Castle?

    Blessings to you. Elizabeth

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wasn’t it good to finally write something together again, Michael? Although I just had to give up the ‘fight’ with WordPress… all these changed edit functions. Yuk! 😛 Who really needs these continued changes? It can drive one nuts if we let them. :-/

    BTW, it was a very good article you wrote to which I only added a small part of the text and a picture. Thank you, my brother! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michael says:

      You are welcome, Susanne. Yes, it was good to write something together once again. Your contribution is always accepted, small or large as the Spirit leads you. As for WordPress, it seems that they can’t leave well enough alone. This last change must have been designed by engineers FOR ENGINEERS! After praying for help, I found out how I could get on a help chat with them and found out how to revert back to the previous format. They were no help on how to change the “by line” when we do a joint article, though. :-/

      Liked by 2 people

  3. What a beautiful post! My thanks to you both, Michael and Susanne. I know from firsthand experience the pain false friends can inflict. By the grace of God, I have, also, had some wonderful, true friends. I count you two among them.

    With love,

    Anna ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • You are very welcome, dear Anna. I feel so honored to be counted your friend!! 🙂

      With love,
      Susanne ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    • Michael says:

      Anna, thanks so much for your comment. We are blessed to have a friend like you. The three of us have much in common, though my abuse was mostly verbal on all fronts, family, job, church, etc. BUT once I understood that, like Jesus, I was never mean to fit into this world system, I came to expect it. I just had to make sure that it was not my flesh that was causing the offense and embrace the ongoing work of His cross in me.

      May HE keep your heart and mind stayed on Him, ❤


      Liked by 2 people

  4. dimple says:

    Thank you, thank you! I was in tears by the end…
    God is so good to us! I pray I may be counted as his friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michael says:

      Louise, you are so welcome. 🙂 Yes, God is SOOO GOOD! Believe me, I was in tears and so deeply touched that my knees buckled when he told me that I was His friend. It was a very humbling moment for me. That moment was the end of my long dark night of the soul, so the contrast of that flood of His love coming in to being spiritually “flat-line” was immense.

      I am glad you were so deeply touched by this blog we shared and thanks for re-posting it on your blog. I know HE has you heart, dear sister. ❤

      Liked by 3 people

  5. Patricia W. Orr (Pat) says:

    Michael and Susanne, thank you for the blog. I am blessed by what you write.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. You are very welcome, dear Pat. ❤ Thank you for the encouragement. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kenneth E Dawson says:

    The friendship of God : He has made us His friends—-A people of His character—From rebelliousness unto folks of good works—God is our Father training us His children so we can show favor in the midst of unfavorableness—He breeds strength in beauty being sympathetic yet stern—We have difficulty to learn but lets exhort to endure—For we are friends bound for glory

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michael says:

      Thanks Ken,
      It is just as Isaiah prophesied about our Christ,

      The spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD has anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To provide for them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. (Isa 61:1-3, KJ2000)

      All these good things are ours as He changes us into HIS likeness and it is all being done by Him for HIS glory.
      I love you, my brother!


  8. Just want to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas, Michael! Your lessons are a blessing all year through.

    With love in Christ,

    A. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Gracias Michael y Susanne por tan bella enseñanza. Esta mañana leía acerca de Husai en 2 de Samuel 15 y dice que Husai era compañero especial de David.

    Y oraba al Señor por esto, porque hay amigos, pero faltan amigos que puedan ser incondicionales. Cuando mi esposo murió, ese día me di cuenta que también se murió mi amigo y confidente. He sido herida por muchos falsos amigos y muchos se han ido porque no llené sus expectativas.

    Sin embargo, hay personas especiales que el Señor ha puesto en mi camino y que son de bendición a mi vida, como tú Michael y Susanne, a pesar de la distancia y del idioma.

    Un abrazo a los dos.

    Patricia wrote:

    Thanks Michael and Susanne for such beautiful teaching. This morning I read about Hushai in 2 Samuel 15 and says that Hushai was David’s special companion.

    And I prayed to the Lord for this, because there are friends, but there are no friends who can be unconditional. When my husband died, that day I realized that my friend and confidant also died. I have been hurt by many false friends and many have left because I did not meet their expectations.

    However, there are special people that the Lord has put in my way and that are a blessing to my life, like you Michael and Susanne, despite the distance and the language.

    A hug to you both.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michael says:

      Patricia, Yes, the Lord for some reason has put great distances between those who He has made special friends in the Spirit. Even Hushai, David’s special friend, had to remain in Jerusalem along with Zadok the High Priest and the ark while David was in exile . No wonder he wept as he climbed up the slopes of Olivet, leaving all that was special to him behind. I have wept many tears of loneliness over the years as He has cut me off from all that was once close. I am now having to know what it means to know His special ones after the Spirit and no longer after the flesh. I also know that this flesh in me could interfere if He had not chosen to do it this way. Isaiah wrote, “Thine eyes shall see the king in his beauty: they shall behold a land that reacheth afar.” (Isa 33:17, ASV). Truly HIS kingdom and people reach to the far corners of the earth! Yet, we will know them spirit to spirit as that final day comes upon us. “For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face!”

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Amén Michael, yo no había entendido este asunto, pero el Señor ha estado enseñándome al respecto, acerca de conocer a los demás por el Espíritu y no en la carne.

    Ahora entiendo la razón por la cual el Señor le ha tocado separarme de muchas personas, esto ha sido doloroso y lleno de soledad, como tú también lo has experimentado. Dios me ha llevado a unirme a otros en el espíritu, esto ha sido toda una escuela. Dios ha tenido que arrancarme de lugares y de personas queridas para enseñarme, como le pasó a Husai.

    Como tú dices, la carne puede interferir en nuestras relaciones con nuestros hermanos y el Señor debe arrancar esto de nosotros, para que aprendamos a relacionarnos por el Espíritu y no por nosotros mismos. Esto lo he estado aprendiendo y experimentando en estos últimos tiempos.

    Liked by 1 person

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